Who's Doing What During the Lockout?
Player: Jason Arnott
Current Status: Not known
I resent that.
I'm doing nothing. And damn proud of it.
Other guys are running around staying in shape. Finding jobs in Sweden and Finland and other Lands and Ens.
I'm "changing" diapers. Taking cat naps. Nobody can understand how difficult it is to have to try to sleep while your wife keeps getting in and out of bed to take care of the baby. Good thing I'm unemployed. I can sleep on the couch all day and catch up on sleep.
Because my life has been so difficult, I haven't gotten around to updating this thing. I'm sure everyone broke up and made up while I was gone. Got engaged, broke up days before the wedding, adopted nine children from China, killed some cats, finally got that sex change, considered signing with Oklahoma. The usual stuff.
I noticed something funny though when I got back. Namely, jason_arnott. Who the FUCK is that?
So I emailed the imposter.
Re: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Fucktard replies back:
Re: re: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
HI! I'M JASON ARNOTT!!!!
So I'm thinking... Wait, no... *I'm* Jason Arnott. So I emailed him back.
Re: re: re:WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
No, you're not. I am.
-Jason Arnott (THE REAL ONE)
I was pretty sure that would clear things up. After all, I AM Jason Arnott (THE REAL ONE) and I am strong and a center for the Dallas Stars. That intimidates people. And I drive really expensive cars. So I figured that I'd point out this guy's mistake (because he might have been retarded and just thought he was me and not have been purposely trying to STEAL MY IDENTITY--like what happened to JR a couple of years ago--so I wouldn't want to be mean to a retarded kid) and then he'd apologize and go away.
Only, he emails me back:
Re: re:re:re:WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Dear Jason Arnott (THE REAL ONE),
IF that even IS your real name!!! (After all, MY name is Jason Arnott. And I am pretty certain that I am Jason Arnott. Seeing as how I am very good looking and the center for the Dallas Stars and I score goals and look good doing it. I have a Viper. It's red and goes really fast. It cost me a lot of money, but it was worth it because the guy at the dealership through in the customized license plate (ARNOTT) for free.)
Please stop emailing me. *I* am Jason Arnott. Not you.
<3333333333 Jason Arnott
And then I thought.. hey, *maybe* this guy really is Jason Arnott. After all, he's good looking. He's the center for the Dallas Stars. He scores goals. He looks good doing it. He owns an expensive car. With a cool license plate.
But then I put down the booze, and the next morning emailed the asshole:
Fine. Prove it, mother fucker.
Answer the following questions:
1) What year were you born?
2) What is your favorite color?
3) What is your brother's name?
4) Are you married?
5) What was the last thing you ate?
- THE REAL JASON ARNOTT
He replies with:
1) The fuck? I'm not a mathematician.
2) Define "color."
3) Wade. LIKE THAT CHOREOGRAPHER FOR N'SYNC!!! OMG!!!
4) Of course. But our marriage is not recognized under state law and our evil teammates are trying to keep us apart. They want to destroy our love.
<444 Jason Arnott
It was like the fucktard was IN MY MIND. As if he could read my thoughts.
Well, if I was a retarded monkey who liked N'Sync and was for some reason married to a teammate and not Dina. For a moment I nearly thought this was a pratical joke all set up by Mike. After all--Curious George was a monkey. Mike used to hang out with Lance Bass. He and Hull were practically married...
But this just wasn't Mike's style.
Orwellian and fucking scary, this imposter managed to fool all my friends and teammates into thinking that HE was ME. I don't know how he did it. It must have been the memes. You type in a username and the table legitimizes your identity. And apparently you can just go to hotmail.com and type in jasonarnott44 as a username without even having to prove that you're Jason Arnott. Think of all the livejournals and emails out there that don't actually belong to REAL hockey players. There may be hundreds of these FAKE journals floating around on the internet.
I started freaking out. This guy could take over my life. Like Body Snatchers only worse because my body is fucking hot and I don't want to lose it. He could enter my home and fuck my wife, and she'd think it was me and maybe he'd be a great fuck just like me and she'd never know the difference and what if my kid started calling HIM "Daddy". He could jump on the ice during a game and wear my jersey and nobody would be the wiser. Or maybe this would end like a Lifetime movie (it's been a long, hard summer spent on the couch) and he'd kidnap me and then kill me and drink my blood so that he could *become* me and then have a sex change and become a woman who is beaten and abused by her husband who was once molested by his uncle which is why he is so mean to her and then she fights back and shoots him and then her child runs away to become a prostitute in Washington DC.
I nearly had a panic attack until the genius in me told me to read his user info:
[But not really. This is all so fake. I am not Jason Arnott. This is a game. See the website above for more information if you don't get that this is FAKE]
MOTHER FUCKER. Had the gall to say straight to my face...er, email, that he was Jason Arnott and then in his own journal refute that very fact?
So I emailed him last night:
Re: Check your user info, idiot aka FAKE JASON ARNOTT
"This is all so fake. I am not Jason Arnott. This is a game."
HA! What do you say to that? And this is *not* a game. THIS IS MY LIFE! STOP FUCKING WITH IT. AND STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.
-You Know Who (WHO IS THE REAL ONE, NOT FAKE LIKE YOU)
And I figured that was the end of that. Until three hours ago when I opened my email box:
Re: re:Check your user info, idiot aka FAKE JASON ARNOTT
I wrote that in my profile so that extremely good looking women with big tits would not email me or reply in massive numbers to my lj entries propositioning me. I'm a married man now. I have principles.
-Jason "Real" Arnott
Fuck. Clearly this guy is just as smart as I am. We could have a battle of the wits in these emails and because we both think we're Jason Arnott neither of us would ever win. Genius vesus genius. He cannot be outsmarted.
But he can be voted off.
If you support this other "Jason Arnott" please raise your hand and go fuck yourself.
If you support me, the REAL Jason Arnott, reply here.
I will count all the votes, unless you are not a citizen of this country, have voted provisionally, have a pregnant or hanging chad, vote against me, or live in Florida. This is a democracy. So every vote counts. Except the ones that don't.
At the end of the week, when I have the most votes, we will go hunt down this imposter and kill him.
After all, without hockey, we might as well do some killing. I have extra guns and bows for those of you who do not own any weapons.
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